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my name is hannah and this is my journal

I feel like I’m going crazy.  I’m just really, really not okay right now.

Honestly today was good, I promise it was.  I went for a nice run and Alexandra came over and we made shirts with crazy glitter on them for the race and went to lunch and I talked to the owner of my favorite coffee shop about applying for a job and I wore my favorite shirt and red lipstick and my dad took me to a bookstore and I got tofu tacos and the sun was shining.  I promise it really was good.  Then my mom came home at 9:30 and we had a screaming match from opposite ends of the stairs and now every nerve ending in my body feels like it’s torn between standing on end and recoiling.  I was optimistic about this trip maybe two hours ago but it’s setting in that I don’t have the strength to deal with her the whole weekend.

It’s 11:36 pm and suddenly I can’t stand the pale spaces on my wall where I took all my posters from middle school down.  I’m certain it’s because I’m desperate for something I can control because everything right now (and by right now I do mean in this exact moment) is messy and unpleasant.  I don’t want to go to Boston this weekend if it means being around so much nervous energy 5 straight days.  I don’t want to go to prom if it means having to find a hairdresser to cut my scraggly bangs at the last minute.  I don’t want to be anywhere within reach of my mother’s relentlessly cruel, thrashing tongue that seems as if it’s intent on crippling my every attempt at sanity.  I don’t want any blank spaces on my wall and I’m so frustrated that none of the pictures I find will quite fit in the spaces or fit with the colors around it.  I want to tear every single poster down.

None of the songs I listen to sound good to me.  They’re all annoying and noisy and unpleasant.

This horrible surge of stress and anxiety has only come since my mom got home, because before that I was happy and reading out on the deck with a flashlight and talking to the boy and listening to some of my favorite songs from freshmen year while planes flew by.  But now she’s home and it’s gone to shit, like it does every night.

I really, really, really don’t want to go to Boston.

drownersbr:

"Bar Chat" by Drowners

(via vanwyngardened)

Good things even though I didn’t get into GSA:

  • Remember that really hard essay I had to write for AP lang ages ago that was due right before Arctic Monkeys and I totally panicked and didn’t know what to write okay because I was selected as a state winner for it and I just found out about 5 minutes ago AND I’M SHAKING THIS IS SO STRANGE
  • Back to the peaceful, optimistic text post I was about to write before that turned the world upside down
  • After I opened the letter, Anna and Caren hugged me and let me cry for ages and sat on my deck with me then took me to get a Frosty and fries from Wendy’s
  • The fries were just out of the frier so they were steaming hot which never happens.  Also, that’s the best kind to dip in a Frosty
  • My mom took me to get my dress altered once she came home and first of all IT CAN BE ALTERED HOORAY! and second of all, I had to buy a new bra to fill it out just a bit more so I bought my first ever nice bra from Victoria’s Secret and I went up a cup size so holla at that
  • Pro tip: Always go lingerie shopping directly after receiving a rejection letter.
  • I had lacrosse which kept my mind off it and I could forget about it for a while
  • All the rest of my friends were really really lovely and said nice things to me and even though the grief and disappointment still hits me in waves, I can always remember the adventures I’m going to have this summer instead with all those people.
  • I WON A SCHOLARSHIP FOR AN ESSAY I WROTE

Being a person is so strange

Hmmm so my GSA letter didn’t come which means it will probably almost surely be here tomorrow.  If that’s the case, I’ll keep you all posted in case you’d like to know.

I’ve had a few requests to post a picture of my probably prom dress, but it needs to be altered so I will certainly post one once that’s finished because as of now (because it was my sister’s) it’s about a million and one cup sizes too big.

As for an April Pep Talk, I drew one and it was really lovely and I adored it but then I ruined the face with like five pen strokes which was so just uGH but I will certainly be drawing another.

My datey thing with PDK was last night and it went really well and I’m not sure if I want to write a post about it for roughly a thousand people to read so I will just leave you with that.

I hope you all are doing great and I hope the weather is nice where you are and the universe is treating you kindly xx

IMPORTANT UPDATE THE MAIL MAN IS ON MY STREET AND HE MAYBE POSSIBLY HAS MY GSA LETTER I AM FREAKING THE FREAK RN GUYS UGYSU YDUGYUS

Sooooo I decided to wear one of my sister’s old dresses she bought vintage from the 50’s and it’s very pretty and coral colored so I’m v. excited.  I don’t have much to say but after a very long time of lots of stress I’m glad it’s over.

A window into my devastatingly uninteresting life:

  • We won our first lax game today 5-3 ahhhhh!
  • I went to Chipotle with my lax team for our school’s prom fundraiser after school and fun fact GUAC IS FREE ON VEGGIE BOWLS
  • Caleigh came too and she even drove me home after to pick up a sports bra bc I’m dumb and forget
  • She also came to the game and is officially our #1 fan
  • I’m seeing Grand Budapest Saturday with PDK ya hey
  • My mom sent me an email telling me to move out but never followed through so there’s that
  • I got to see my cousin today who lives an hour away and aw that was nice
  • I’m making my art teacher a Frank Turner CD
  • Yesterday Anna and I ran errands together all by ourselves and we listened to Taylor Swift in her car and sang it with all the windows down and IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE I IMAGINED BEING 16 WOULD BE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.  This was very significant errand-running!!!!!!
  • I still don’t own a prom dress but Caren is taking me Friday
  • I bought (Scottish made) Hunter boots from ebay and they came today so now I’lll have fun walking to school and splashing in puddles hooray
  • FIRST LAX WIN OF THE SEASON, SONNNNNN
  • Sorry I’ve been like really bad at blogging recently lol I don’t have any good excuses I love you all and I’m happy goodbye