Hi hello I’m back and I’ll write about my Boston escapades as soon as I can xx
all in white // the vaccines
lord, i know your type
i’ve known you all my life
i was always wrong, you all in white
I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just really, really not okay right now.
Honestly today was good, I promise it was. I went for a nice run and Alexandra came over and we made shirts with crazy glitter on them for the race and went to lunch and I talked to the owner of my favorite coffee shop about applying for a job and I wore my favorite shirt and red lipstick and my dad took me to a bookstore and I got tofu tacos and the sun was shining. I promise it really was good. Then my mom came home at 9:30 and we had a screaming match from opposite ends of the stairs and now every nerve ending in my body feels like it’s torn between standing on end and recoiling. I was optimistic about this trip maybe two hours ago but it’s setting in that I don’t have the strength to deal with her the whole weekend.
It’s 11:36 pm and suddenly I can’t stand the pale spaces on my wall where I took all my posters from middle school down. I’m certain it’s because I’m desperate for something I can control because everything right now (and by right now I do mean in this exact moment) is messy and unpleasant. I don’t want to go to Boston this weekend if it means being around so much nervous energy 5 straight days. I don’t want to go to prom if it means having to find a hairdresser to cut my scraggly bangs at the last minute. I don’t want to be anywhere within reach of my mother’s relentlessly cruel, thrashing tongue that seems as if it’s intent on crippling my every attempt at sanity. I don’t want any blank spaces on my wall and I’m so frustrated that none of the pictures I find will quite fit in the spaces or fit with the colors around it. I want to tear every single poster down.
None of the songs I listen to sound good to me. They’re all annoying and noisy and unpleasant.
This horrible surge of stress and anxiety has only come since my mom got home, because before that I was happy and reading out on the deck with a flashlight and talking to the boy and listening to some of my favorite songs from freshmen year while planes flew by. But now she’s home and it’s gone to shit, like it does every night.
I really, really, really don’t want to go to Boston.
Good things even though I didn’t get into GSA:
Being a person is so strange