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my name is hannah and this is my journal

Hi hello I’m back and I’ll write about my Boston escapades as soon as I can xx

all in white // the vaccines

lord, i know your type
i’ve known you all my life
i was always wrong, you all in white

(Source: radtracks, via crawlingbacktoal)

I feel like I’m going crazy.  I’m just really, really not okay right now.

Honestly today was good, I promise it was.  I went for a nice run and Alexandra came over and we made shirts with crazy glitter on them for the race and went to lunch and I talked to the owner of my favorite coffee shop about applying for a job and I wore my favorite shirt and red lipstick and my dad took me to a bookstore and I got tofu tacos and the sun was shining.  I promise it really was good.  Then my mom came home at 9:30 and we had a screaming match from opposite ends of the stairs and now every nerve ending in my body feels like it’s torn between standing on end and recoiling.  I was optimistic about this trip maybe two hours ago but it’s setting in that I don’t have the strength to deal with her the whole weekend.

It’s 11:36 pm and suddenly I can’t stand the pale spaces on my wall where I took all my posters from middle school down.  I’m certain it’s because I’m desperate for something I can control because everything right now (and by right now I do mean in this exact moment) is messy and unpleasant.  I don’t want to go to Boston this weekend if it means being around so much nervous energy 5 straight days.  I don’t want to go to prom if it means having to find a hairdresser to cut my scraggly bangs at the last minute.  I don’t want to be anywhere within reach of my mother’s relentlessly cruel, thrashing tongue that seems as if it’s intent on crippling my every attempt at sanity.  I don’t want any blank spaces on my wall and I’m so frustrated that none of the pictures I find will quite fit in the spaces or fit with the colors around it.  I want to tear every single poster down.

None of the songs I listen to sound good to me.  They’re all annoying and noisy and unpleasant.

This horrible surge of stress and anxiety has only come since my mom got home, because before that I was happy and reading out on the deck with a flashlight and talking to the boy and listening to some of my favorite songs from freshmen year while planes flew by.  But now she’s home and it’s gone to shit, like it does every night.

I really, really, really don’t want to go to Boston.

drownersbr:

"Bar Chat" by Drowners

(via vanwyngardened)

Good things even though I didn’t get into GSA:

  • Remember that really hard essay I had to write for AP lang ages ago that was due right before Arctic Monkeys and I totally panicked and didn’t know what to write okay because I was selected as a state winner for it and I just found out about 5 minutes ago AND I’M SHAKING THIS IS SO STRANGE
  • Back to the peaceful, optimistic text post I was about to write before that turned the world upside down
  • After I opened the letter, Anna and Caren hugged me and let me cry for ages and sat on my deck with me then took me to get a Frosty and fries from Wendy’s
  • The fries were just out of the frier so they were steaming hot which never happens.  Also, that’s the best kind to dip in a Frosty
  • My mom took me to get my dress altered once she came home and first of all IT CAN BE ALTERED HOORAY! and second of all, I had to buy a new bra to fill it out just a bit more so I bought my first ever nice bra from Victoria’s Secret and I went up a cup size so holla at that
  • Pro tip: Always go lingerie shopping directly after receiving a rejection letter.
  • I had lacrosse which kept my mind off it and I could forget about it for a while
  • All the rest of my friends were really really lovely and said nice things to me and even though the grief and disappointment still hits me in waves, I can always remember the adventures I’m going to have this summer instead with all those people.
  • I WON A SCHOLARSHIP FOR AN ESSAY I WROTE

Being a person is so strange