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my name is hannah and this is my journal

slash do you have any costume ideas slash what have you been in the past that’s awesome bc I can hardly think about anything else and I’m lookin for ideas ty

I’m making good progress on my homework so I decided to take a bit of a break to write.  Whenever fall comes around and the weather starts getting dreary and rainy like it is now, I can only think of how excited I am to live alone in the future.  I can’t wait to live all on my own in a small little flat with white walls that only have a few pieces of art and maybe some fairy lights.  I’ll have plants and books and records tucked neatly into every nook of the room and make myself healthy breakfasts from scratch and run every day and take baths like I’ve never been able to do in this 80 year old house.  Whenever I worry about the future this is what I imagine and I tell myself no matter what college I attend, the debt I amass, or the job I find for myself, I’m going to be okay and will be able to make a life for myself.

Today was almost unbearably taxing but after cross country I felt like a brand new person and now I feel so calm and at peace in spite of my workload.  I wrote two poems yesterday which is far from my comfort zone and in two days I’ll receive 24 papers, 2 from each of my classmates, saying what they think of them.  I know their strengths and weaknesses and instead of feeling strange and vulnerable, I’m excited to know how I can improve in an area I’m uncomfortable with.  This is new for me.  Ironically, one of them is about overcoming the fear of failure.

Also, this weekend was really lovely.  The gang and I took a little road trip out of town to see the Orwells and Skaters in a little basement venue.  The way there was spent dancing to a playlist Morgan made (mostly the new Walk the Moon single).  Alex trying to dance to Misterwives with his head in my lap probably added about 10 years to my life it made me so happy.The show itself was perfectly loud and sweaty and made me feel like a kid again because it was exactly how I imagined rock n roll shows would be when I was little.  Also, Skaters covered “Kiss Off” by the Violent Femmes at the end of their last song and I thought my legs would fall off I was dancing so much.  Afterwards we got Waffle House, somehow lucking out with the best night shift waitress in the game named Nicki who had blue eyeshadow and a candy necklace.

Some other good things include:

  • it’s cold enough for me to wear tights with Halloween socks when I walk to school
  • salted watermelon
  • my boss finally started emailing us our schedules instead of having to go in or call to check
  • varsity is going to an out of town meet this weekend
  • my hip is still cooperating and my legs feel stronger than ever
  • a really lovely girl I am sort of acquaintances with but not close friends texted me over the weekend to make sure I was doing better than I was last week because she noticed I was stressed out and I could’ve cried it was so sweet
  • another girl asks me every day how I am and if I tell her I’m not doing too well she does everything she can to cheer me up
  • my dad took Lauren and me out to dinner and ice cream last night and danced around the town center to “Livin’ Thing” by the Electric Light Orchestra after everything had closed
  • turtlenecks sweaters

Hope you all are at peace as well xx I’m always here if you need it


frida kahlo was a disabled politically active woman of color who deliberately fucked with gender roles and don’t you ever forget it

(Source: oursselvesandimmortality, via theladykatherine)

  Daniel Handler (Lemony Snicket), upon being asked "What’s your very best life advice?"  (via n-xi)

(Source: man-eatingcat, via bomet)

I just had a very difficult, prolonged fight with my mom so here’s an attempt to be okay.

Things that are good:

  • My hip isn’t injured
  • Tallest Man on Earth/Band of Horses spotify radio
  • There was ice left at last lunch today (usually it’s gone)
  • I’m writing a poem that I like
  • Seniors got a surprise day off tomorrow
  • I went out to dinner tonight with my girl gang because Anna and Claire’s birthdays are tomorrow and Saturday and I hadn’t seen Claire since she went to college
  • We got burgers (black bean 4 me) and latte flavored froyo and sat in a parking lot catching up for hours
  • I was in a bad mood the other day as y’all know so Brett (hi Brett) took me to get art supplies and a frosty and fries and we went to the park which made me feel better
  • I got a new sketchbook
  • I saw my first ever skunk and it turns out skunks have THE BEST tails and THE BEST manner of running EVER I promise you
  • I get to paint and write poetry all weekend
  • I’m going to a show tomorrow with people I adore
  • I bought maroon nail polish to cheer myself up and I’m about to paint my nails and drink green tea and watch Community
  • Glitter
  • Making collages
  • Alex
  • The smell of oil paint
  • Saturday mornings during cross country season when the air is cold and foggy and everything is still green
  • Childish Gambino
  • My English teacher told us today she wants a tattoo of a mountain range with a little moon on her neck and I hope that when I’m 50 I still have spontaneous impulses to do things that make me happy and can be childlike enough to follow through
  • This time next year I’ll be living away from home and at college
  • I’m going to Bonnaroo next year with all the loose change I’ve been saving since freshman year (for that purpose)
  • We got track jackets for cross country which is v special
  • Everything is okay now with the thing I was upset about the other day and that’s all I could literally ever ask for and I’d put up with anything as long as that’s okay
  • I know reading vague things isn’t fun but specifics are not necessary and short version: everything is okay
  • Oscar Wilde quotes
  • The Ghost World graphic novel holy wow that thing is a gem
  • I listened to “Harmony” by Never Shout Never the other day late at night for the first time since freshman year and it felt so good
  • For real I just got a text that lit up my whole world and I can’t overstate how happy it made me

I’ll leave it at that.  Hope you all are doing okay and I’m always here for you xx

Because I’m trying to write every day however monotonous:

Today was okay mostly.  I finished all my work for once, my creative writing teacher liked my poem even though I didn’t, and my breathing cooperated during my run for the first time in so long I’d forgotten what it felt like.  But right now I just feel entirely beaten like after you spend a whole day in the sun and the pizza I ate for dinner didn’t even taste good and one of my succulents is dying and I keep seeing it out of my peripheral vision and I hate it.

I wish I had a car so I could go to the art store right now and get a new sketchbook and turpentine for my oil pants and smell all the good fall smells.  My friend is in a slump too so maybe I’ll ask him.

There’s nothing that makes me feel shittier than being on bad terms with the person I love the most, no matter whose fault it is.  Everything feels reverse and backwards and off kilter.

I know it’s all temporary but for now that doesn’t put me at ease.

Since I wasn’t doing very well a week ago, here is another list to mirror that of my last post to prove that everything always works itself out:

  • I passed senior sweatshirt responsibilities onto the company who prints them and they don’t look good but I’ve accepted that it’s out of my hands, etc.
  • I had another meet this weekend and I was super bummed about getting a 30 second slower time but it turns out the course clocked in at 3.4 instead of 3.1 miles so I can stop beating myself up for not PR-ing.  Also Alex came and that was lovely
  • The freshman who thinks she’s all that got first in the JV race but my coach has started to realize she doesn’t care and is holding her back from varsity and I’m committed to keep being nice to her instead of turning to being mean and bitter
  • Everyone has officially stopped giving me stank faces in the hallway
  • The Stooges rule still
  • I didn’t even have to work Saturday so I got to run in my meet and go out to lunch with Alex and hang out with him after hooray for cool bosses
  • I think I aced my Jane Eyre test even though I didn’t finish
  • I started drawing things again sorta!!!!!!
  • This post is dumb but I ate a portobello burger for dinner instead of a dry potato hooray

A separate list of other things:

  • Friday I saw Twenty One Pilots in their hometown for the first time and we got there late bc long drive/traffic/etc. but we somehow managed to work our way up to about 4 rows from barrier and it was one of the best shows I’ve seen in my life and they played Fall Away for the first time in 2 years I think someone said holy shit it was just a dream.  It was my ninth time seeing them and my first hometown was everything I could’ve hoped and I got to see it with the friend I saw them with for the first time three years ago
  • The course I ran over the weekend is the one I broke my hip on and I didn’t break my hip!!!!
  • Varsity had an 8 mile run Sunday and I can feel it in my whole body I’m meant to run marathons because after we were done I felt like I could’ve run 8 more and I was on top of the world the rest of the day
  • This is so basic and arbitrary but I HAD THE BEST BREKKY SANDWICH AFTER I know nobody cares and this is self-indulgent but it had avocado on it
  • I started watching Community from the beginning again because I remember how much I used to love it and it’s even better now
  • I have two poems due friday for creative writing and I hate writing poetry but I have a pretty good draft started that I like the concept of which never happens
  • "The House We Grew Up In" by the Weeks
  • I made a mix CD today with glitter on it
  • I’m in charge of my school’s student council bulletin board so I put lots of glitter and pendant banners and jellyfish stickers all over it and no one can tell me otherwise bc I am an artist!!!!!
  • I drove all aloney on my owney for the first time Sunday and  I didn’t crash or anything 
  • Hopefully I will start writing coherent and well-written posts again because I’ve once again fallen into the trap of list-making oops

Hope you all had a good start to your week.  If not, hang in there it’ll be okay xoxo