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my name is hannah and this is my journal

I can handle stress.  I can handle having more work than hours in a day.  That sort of thing feeds me, pushes me to do better, to be better.  It’s not wholly pleasant but as long as I’m creating and doing things I’m okay.

But this shit with my mom every single day gets me so old and worn.  Of course I can deal with it, as I’ve well proven the last 17 years; I understand her better than she understands me or herself and that knowledge allows me to transcend it all.  Most of the time.  Sometimes every now and then, though, it just gets so hard and I get so tired.  This is the home stretch I suppose, the last mile of an impossibly grueling race, and in a year I’ll be living on my own finally, finally free from it and I can flourish like I’m supposed to.  I’ll have white walls with framed pictures organized in neat formations and I can dance around barefoot and listen to records in the bath and have people over on Saturday nights and maybe there will be a roof or a porch to sit on and put my star wheel to use and I can write and create all the time without anybody telling me to clean up but I’ll clean up anyway after I’m all done so it feels like closure.  No one no one will be able to touch me.  I’ll be out of her control, and the false delusions of power she’s worked so hard, so desperately to maintain will be gone.

I’ll be under the sole ownership of myself.

Tonight was pure, unfiltered magic.

I hardly want to write about it because I know I’m incapable of capturing such beauty and will only sour it with stale words and cliches.

I can’t tell you how it felt to dance to all our favorite songs in the car passing around a bag of candy corn.  I can’t tell you how it felt to see Lorde on stage for the first time.  I can’t tell you what it was like to hear 400 Lux and feel like a freshman again finding out how free it is to be in the passenger seat of my best friend’s car for the first time.  I can’t tell you how impossibly fast my heart beat when she played Flashing Lights by Kanye and Bravado back to back.  I certainly can’t tell you how it felt when she talked about how scared she is to grow up then asked everyone to raise their cellphone lights for Ribs.  I can’t tell you how it felt to hear that song next to my best friend who’s grown up with me for half my life.  I can’t tell you what the car ride home was like with all our favorite songs weaving in between the darkness and the blurred road stripes.

I’ve never felt such transcendent happiness.  I’ve never known what it is to feel so connected to and understood by thousands of other people.

I wish you all could’ve felt it too and I’m sorry my words are only unfocused shadows.

I’ll try to paraphrase a bit of her Ribs monologue.  These are just the fragmented parts I remember most vividly:

“The only thing that really gets to me, actually wakes me up at night shaking with fear, is growing up … I’m so scared that my thoughts will be different.  That they won’t be kid ideas, they’ll be adult ideas and I won’t be the same person … How many of you all feel this way?  How many of you know how fucking scary it is to wake up every single day and feel a bit different, like you’re someone new?

The last few days have been chaos.

Friday consisted of a ridiculously stressful day of school because of lots of tests and club orientation in which I was in two numbers (student council and the dance thing I told y’all about).  After school Marz and I had a coffee date reunion since we never see each other anymore then that night Morgan, Al, and I went to the mall where I got a gingham dress and a mustard yellow beanie to wear to the Lorde show.  I really really love those people and I love the night drives and wasted hours in Taco Bell I really do.

Saturday I had a meet a few hours away and I started out really strong with prospective PR mile times but slowed way way down the last mile since the course was deceptively difficult and only got a season best.  That morning I must’ve listened to Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon about 15 times.

That day was also very significant because I went over to my dad’s for the first time in months and the familiarity was overwhelmingly comforting.  I can’t even describe to you all how lovely it was to go to 4:30 mass and then out to dinner with my dad again like I used to every Saturday from the day I was born.  I didn’t even realize how much I missed it.

I painted all Saturday night and it was kind of terrible as y’all might’ve seen from my post begging for prayers.  I didn’t make much progress because I was so frustrated I couldn’t force myself to continue.

Sunday I had a 7 mile run then worked a short shift with a few new baristas I didn’t know too well then painted the rest of the day with only a two hour break to help Alex with an essay.  I ended up going to bed at midnight and waking up at four to work on it some more.  I nearly lost my sanity amidst the over dressed instant coffee and turpentine fumes but at times it was sort of nice having the house quiet and all to myself.  I didn’t quite get it finished so I spent study hall, lunch, and every other free second trying to fill it all in.

Also we workshopped one of my poems in creative writing and a few people’s responses to it nearly made me cry because they obviously liked it a lot and connected with it and I’ve never ever had any confidence in my poetic ability.  I was probably overly touchy and emotional because no sleep, etc. but the feeling of other people not only getting your work but having it effect them in a personal way is totally mad and inexplicably fulfilling.

Lastly, I somehow managed to lead a 35 minute trail run in spite of not having eaten in 12 hours and I’m the new secretary of our school’s chapter of NEHS.

Today was stressful and scary and neurotic but also a bit magic as well.  Hope y’all are doing well I’m here for anything you need in spite of how busy I am xx


King of the World | First Aid Kit

Now I wasn’t born for anything
Wasn’t born to say anything
I’m just here now and soon I’ll be gone
I’m nobody’s baby
I’m everybody’s girl
I’m the queen of nothing
I’m the king of the world

This is one of my favorite songs in the universe.  Especially:

"And once you asked me well what’s my biggest fear
That things would always remain so unclear
That one day I’d wake up all alone
With a big family and emptiness deep in my bones
That I would be so blinded, turn a deaf ear
And that my fake laugh would suddenly sound sincere”

(Source: mouthbats, via mayagoo)

For any of you who pray, I would really appreciate some prayers for the painting I’m working on right now.  Anyone else, please send good vibes, love, etc.

I’m having a lot of trouble with it because I’m using water soluble oils on really textured paper and the two aren’t working well together at all and I don’t have the right color red to mix skin tones it’s just very bad and I’m generally upset and frustrated.  I might write something in a bit as a break from it all.  Hope you all are doing well xx